An article by Brian Asman

My new novella from Mutated Media, JAILBROKE, mixes sci-fi and horror and concerns that age-old human quandary how the hell do I NOT get eaten in space? But hey, turnabout’s fair play, so here’s a list of some sci-fi creatures I’d really like to eat, and why I think they’d be freaking delicious.

The Xenomorph

Okay, hear me out. Yes, the whole “acid blood” thing is a concern, but it’s all in the preparation. Human beings have been saying “Dude, watch this” and eating poisonous critters for thousands of years. Sure, we’ve all heard about Fugu, the incredibly-lethal pufferfish that contains enough tetrodotoxin to kill two NBA teams and must be prepared very, very carefully. But most people don’t know that red kidney beans, a common staple of many salad bars, contain high levels of the very Lovecraftian-sounding phytohaemagglutinin, a toxic chemical capable of doing some equally Lovecraftian things to your digestive tract.

So no, I’m not worried about the acid blood, and I’d imagine Xenomorphs probably taste a lot like crickets, making them a sustainable source of animal protein.

How I’d Eat It: Straight up, like sashimi

Porgs

Yes, they’re cute, but one of the biggest takeaways from Last Jedi was Porgs cook up reeeeeeal nice over an open fire. Space penguins on the outside, space chickens on the inside. Not sure what kind of seasonings are canon now that they’ve junked the whole Extended Universe, so I’m just going to assume I can import all the paprika I want into Ach-To. And unlike Chewbacca, I’m not going to toss out a perfectly good roasted Porg breast just because one of the little buggers flutters its eyes at me.   

How I’d Eat It: Rotisserie-style, with a glass of blue milk on the side

Superman

No, this is not interstellar cannibalism, don’t @ me. Cannibalism is defined as “eating the flesh of one’s own species,” and Superman is NOT a Homo Sapien. Sorry Kal-El, you’re fair game.

Yes, the whole sentience thing is a problem, if you’re into boring shit like ethics or morality, but come on. This is like taking the last slice of pizza on an intergalactic level. Given the opportunity, how could you pass up a chance to do something so totally epic? “I ate the Last Son of Krypton” is one of those stories you just can’t top.

Now, the biggest problem with eating Superman is not a philosophical but a logistical one. If human stomach acid were capable of dissolving Kryptonian flesh, I’m sure Toyman would have figured out a way to weaponize it by now. Plus, you’d have to cut him into small enough pieces to swallow the Big Blue Boy Scout in the first place. Guessing you’d probably need some sort of Kryptonite-based topical cream, followed by a liquid K aperitif to aid with digestion.

If anybody from DC Comics is reading, please consider this my best Superman pitch. 

How I’d Eat Him: Some sort of chili, probably, because he’s human-looking and I am not a monster

Groot

Don’t worry, vegans, I haven’t forgotten about you. After all that space-meat, I could use some roughage, and what could be tastier than the Living Salad from Planet X? Not only does Groot regenerate, so there’s no attendant ethical concerns, but I get the feeling he’d actually like being eaten. He’s such an empathetic team player! I can picture him now, on board the Milano, just begging Rocket to add a few greens to his literal garbage diet.

“I am Groot?”

No, little buddy, YOU are delectable *Chef’s kiss*. 

How I’d Eat Him: Cobb Salad, because then I can throw in some hard-boiled Porg eggs AND our number one alien I’d love to eat:

Ferengi

If bacon’s the best food on Earth, space-bacon’s got to be the best food in the universe, right?

Tell me the Ferengi don’t look like they taste like pork. You can’t. Just look at their little noses! I’ve never seen one naked, but there’s gotta be a curlicue tail tucked into their space-pants. No, the Ferengi are essentially alien pigs, and I think they’d be delicious. And easy to corral, too–just rub their ear lobes, oo-moxing them into ecstasy, and then BOOM goes the bolt gun.

Like Superman, I know they’re sentient or whatever, but who cares? If Galactus goes around eating entire planets, I can chow down on a couple aliens with feelings or whatever, right? 

How I’d Eat Them: BLT, baby. NOM NOM NOM. Well, there you have it, five aliens I’d like to eat. But enough about me, who would YOU like to eat? Tell me in the comments below, or come find me on Twitter!

Author

Brian Asman writes crime, horror, and essays about obscure movies from the ‘80s. He’s the author of I’m Not Even Supposed to Be Here Today from Eraserhead Press and has recently published short stories in the anthologies Breaking Bizarro, Lost Films and A Sharp Stick in the Eye. Follow Brian on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Amazon.
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