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Kevin McAllister is a cannibalistic humanoid underground dweller. That’s not a fact, I don’t think the waste was being dumped in New York and Chicago. Unless it was his visitation with his father that weekend, I’d say the only C.H.U.D. he was dealing with during the events of C.H.U.D. was his dipshit older brother. Buzz, your girlfriend, WOOF! What the hell am I on about, right? C.H.U.D. and Home Alone are related, in fact they are so closely related that both Home Alone movies are actually prequels to C.H.U.D.; Star Wars and Marvel aren’t the only big bad cinematic universes around here. The C.H.U.D./Home Alone extended universe is built on a core principle; don’t forget your kid at home or in New York City if you don’t want to do battle with humanoid like creatures in the sewers of New York City.

Let’s start with the character in C.H.U.D. played by John heard. In C.H.U.D. his name is George, but I don’t think we have to stretch too far to see this is some weird licensing issue that led to his name being changed to Peter in the Home Alone films. For my purpose, I’m calling him George, that’s the first time his character appears on. When we meet George, he’s a photographer in New York City who is doing a huge article for some paper about the homeless (we never find out what exactly that’s all about). He lives with his girlfriend, fashion model, Lauren.

Now, do me a solid and do a quick google search of “what do the mom and dad in home alone do?” You will find that the father is a day trader, and the mother is involved in fashion. Here’s what happened. After the events of Home Alone, George’s first wife, Kate, began to think George didn’t care about their family as much as she did. I’m not going to say who’s side I’m on but she did travel with John Candy’s polka band to get there like five minutes faster. Between the events of the first and second Home Alone films there is a distinct tension that arises between George and Kate. She has suspicions about his ability to raise a family, one look at Buzz is all anyone really needs to know the guy is doing something wrong. These arguments grow and grow leading to more responsibility being placed on Kevin. In the airport scene in Home Alone 2, Kevin has his father’s wallet. This is just a small taste of how Kevin and his parents’ relationship has changed. They put more trust on him after the events of the first film.

As we all know, and if you don’t why are you this far in this thing? Kevin ends up having to face the wet bandits yet again on his own in New York City. These events add to the already boiling pot of frustration from George’s wife. She blames him entirely. She begins to hold a grudge against George (which I mean, who wouldn’t at this point). This leads to George thinking he can mend things by going on a business trip with her to New York for a fashion show. While there he begins drinking nightly, he can’t take the constant reminders in New York of his last failure as a father. On one of these nights, he meets a woman, a woman named Lauren who his wife has worked with multiple times. They instantly hit it off, George confessing his love for photography. Explaining that’s how he and Kate met, at a fashion show in Chicago, he was the photographer, she was the designer. He gave up his dreams for a more realistic career and hasn’t been the same person since. Over the course of the next couple months, they make plans to move in together in New York City. After a tough divorce George ends up living in New York as a photographer, his disdain for his ex-wife shows in the scene in which he loses his temper at his girlfriend’s fashion shoot. He associates fashion with his ex-wife and all of his shortcomings. Never the less, he’s happy for the most part, so in a way thanks Wet Bandits.

Speaking of those guys, what about Daniel Sterns character in the Home Alone films, Marv? Think back to the last place we see Marv and his partner. Being arrested in, that’s right, New York City. Again, there’s a name issue as in C.H.U.D., his character’s name is AJ Shepard, or as we will refer to him “The Reverend”. The reverend runs a soup kitchen for the homeless. He interacts with them every day, he takes care of them. This connection leads police detective Bosch to his soup kitchen to discuss the recent homeless disappearances in NYC. The initial conversation shows us one thing, these two know each other, they know each other well. Of course, they do! Bosch would obviously know all about Marv and his partner, they tried to rob a toy store for crying out loud. That’s the kind of thing that would make a Police officer like Bosch always skeptical of The Reverend’s changed ways.

Marv, after doing his time in prison, decided to be a better person. He’s learned his lesson and ditched Harry. In an effort to do some good he starts volunteering at a soup kitchen, being as how no place in 1980’s NYC is going to hire a guy who has been convicted of robbery twice. Especially not one who keeps trying to kill some annoying little rich kid.  So, with a permanent paint stain on his forehead from the last can of paint that nailed him in the head, he sets out to improve the world around him. After falling in love with charity work, our friend The Reverend decides to start his own soup kitchen. The soup kitchen where Bosch comes to speak with him. After telling Bosch it still doesn’t wash and saying some really disparaging things about the justice system in New York, it’s clear that The Reverend doesn’t think criminals are treated fairly. And why would he? He got the shit and two bucks beat out of him by some dumb kid and the kid walked away with a hotel room filled with Christmas gifts.

He knows just the same as you and I, Kevin McAllister did not have to set up all of those traps. He could have just left. Kevin is not a completely innocent victim in this. Kevin McAllister wanted to hurt someone. Kevin McAllister plotted and planned a way to make these men suffer instead of just calling the police. Argue with me all you want but Kevin McAllister really is a C.H.U.D. and quite frankly one of the most devious and sadistic people alive; which leads some to believe Kevin may have grown up to become a horror icon himself. I’m not touching that theory, that’s all over the interwebs, look it up on your own because that last paragraph sort of pissed me off and I’m done talking about Kevin McAllister.

Also, C.H.U.D. doesn’t stand for cannibalistic humanoid underground dweller. It stands for contamination hazardous underground disposal. The second one doesn’t even make sense, unlike the Home Alone/C.H.U.D. cinematic universe.

Damien Casey

Damien Casey

Author

Damien Casey is a writer, or author, whatever you prefer who has spent too much time with monster movies, professional wrestling, and soda; he likes to think his writing reflects this. If it does not, he wants to apologize immensely and encourage you to tell him how he’s let you down.

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